Right now I am totally confused with my feelings. Whether to feel lonely, or uneasy, or relieved, I don’t know. A little of all three is perhaps what encompassing my thoughts. I realize an urgent need to channel down my emotions, and how it could be better other than to write it out? And to write it down means to write it to you – to my long lost love.
I know that you’ll never know of this letter, let alone read it and discover my feelings. But this fact is not refraining me from writing it down. More to this, I know that this endeavor will never going to make me feel good, but still I will give it a try.
There are two things I could have done after losing you. Either to remain connected with everyone and ask them how you are doing, or severing contacts with them so that my pains remain buried only within me and shared with none else.
You know that I will choose the second option, and I did just that. Do you still remember how determined I was in hiding my emotions from others? But tonight I feel helpless, I feel numb, I feel dilapidated.
Things were not easy for me after you left. For a couple of months or so I could feel travelling through the forest of anguish, pain, and frustration. At that time I wished to walk in the rain so that nobody could see my tears. I could not talk about the loss; about my lost love to anyone.
Sometimes I think to save every bit of my day-to-day memories so that someday I can bring them to you. Time has passed and my road to you is now lying in tatters. Even if I try to travel it, I know I will never find the same old you over there. You must have moved on!
Even today, after so many years have passed, a chill wave go down my spine when I try to ruminate on how I have spent those long, dark days. Every hour, every minute, and every second became unbearable to me. Every love story haunted me with the memory of the moments we have spent together. My futile search for you, as I thought, would never end.
I knew that time would heal all my pains when you bid me the final farewell. I never thought of you on birthdays, on occasions, on anniversaries. I cross my bridges when I come to them and burn them behind me, with nothing to show for my progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once my eyes watered.
And now here as I sit and ponder on the past, suddenly I am taken aback to realize that years after years I went through the days of remembrance without even realizing that these are the days. Perhaps it is a good thing for me. Perhaps somehow I too managed to move on.
But why on earth the old memories have exhumed to haunt me tonight? Why tonight I feel like all has happened just yesterday? Is it to let me feel that you are still there in the deepest dungeons of my heart? I bore this chalice safely through a throng of foes, and thereby I can feel your presence, your importance to me and to my whole being.
There are times when I can still hear your voice, smell your fragrance, and feel your touch as pronounced as if you were in my arms. I still check my cell for your missed calls, but you don’t miss me anymore, do you? These things, no matter how insignificant they are, will always be there with me.
And right now as tears roll down my cheeks, they reassure the fact that I still miss you Princess.